isang pangungumusta sa aking sarili

...kumusta na kaya ako... eto sa awa ng Diyos kahit papano nakakasurvive pa din, sa dami ng hirap na pinagdaanan ngayon, maayos pa rin naman kami, nakakakain pa din 2 times a day ng full meal. 2 times kasi di naman kami nag aagahan talaga. minsan may meryendang masarap pa.

napagisip isip ko, kahit pala hirap ako, madami ako dapat ipagpasalamat sa Diyos. sunod sunod na nagkakasakit kami, pero sa awa nya wala namang namamatay o nacoconfine sa ospital. bawas na pinagkakakitaan namin pero sa awa Niya, nakakabili pa rin kami pagkain, may baon at pamasahe pa sa school mga kids, at nakakabayad pa kami ng bills (koryente, tubig, internet connection, at higit sa lahat yung sa bahay), nakakapag paload pa dn ako sa cellphone kaya nakakapag text ako araw araw.

mabait si Lord, salbahe ako... di nya kami pinapabayaan, pabaya na ko sa prayer. Mabuti na lang binigyan nya kami wake up call, nung linggo nakapagsimba kami (first time sa loob halos ng dalawang taon). sabi ko nga kay Lord, sana tuloy tuloy na ito, at laking pasasalamat ko sa kanya, kasi panahon na rin para yung mga kids, makapakinig ng salita ng Diyos. First time ni zdi na umatend ng Sunday school. mabuti naman at may madadagdag na rin syang matutununan, kasi madali syang matuto at sinusunod naman nya yung mga tinuturo sa kanya. mabuti at matutunan na nya ang salita ng Diyos. Minsan umuwi sya, naghugas ng natirang hguasan, sabi nya kasi daw sabi ng teacher dapat tulungan ang mga magulang... mabait na bata, sana hanggang paglaki nya ganun sya, ganun silang lahat na mga anak ko.

ngayon, eto talaga at walang wala kami, pero iba talaga kumilos ang Panginoon, may nagbayad ng dapat naming bayaran na malaki, may kasama pang advance payment. isang malaking pasasalamat kay Lord. ngayon ko naisip, di kaya regalo ng Panginoon ito kasi nagsimba kaming buong pamilya nung linggo?

kahit anglungkot ng buhay ko, kahit pilit ko lang pinapasaya... dapat pala naman talaga ako maging masaya, kasi kahit na wala ako maasahang tunay, si Lord kahit di ko pansinin, di nya pala ako pababayaan.

ang bait ng Panginoon... ang salbahe ko...

My Regrets in Life

Here i am sitting in front of my laptop since this morning, practically doing nothing... (well not actually doing nothing, since i have cooked meal this lunch and put kro sleep). Anyway back to where i was... Most of my time today was spent in front of this computer, surfing the net and reading some blogs of other people. as i was doing just that i came to realize, that i have so many regrets in my life, i may never admit it personally to other people, but in reality to be true to myself, yes there is, there are... some regrets that when i look back i kind of hope i did a different thing, a different approach to it, just so it would not have end up like this.

Here's one regret to talk about,

my first regret was when i did not finish my schooling, hey it was just a few more months and i could have finished my degree a bachelor of science in computer engineering.

i am, sad to say a 5th year drop-out, i dont know then, but it seems like it was not a big deal that time. looking back now, i know now it was a stupid thing to do. what happened? i got other priorities, i was working as a part time student before i dropped out, was involve in a lot of church activities that it actually ate up all of my time for studies, talk about being dumb and being faithful. i had this reason before kasi, na everything i was doing was for the Lord, so if i gave up something for God, He would be somewhat proud of me kasi i put Him first. Thinking back now, i think if God was really able to literally talk to me face to face which i know will not happen, He would definitely say i did the wrong thing.

this is the first time that i really get to admit my stupid mistake and failure in my life. i have let down some people... myself, my mother, friends, other relatives, well i don't know if my relatives cared or not. i know that believing and serving God doesn't involve having a bachelor's degree diploma, but i know that it's one thing of showing like you have been faithful to finish what you have started... it's like a race that i had joined and when i was almost at the finished line, there i was i didn't looked at the goal, i looked at somewhere else and stopped running the race.

Each one of us have different paths to take, have different goals in life, but the one thing that i have before, i did not finished, i quit when i was almost there. Do you see what i am saying now? and this is the first time that i understood it also. I was a quitter, had been a quitter, it hurts to admit it now but it's the truth and will always remain the truth, unless i do something to change the wrong that i had done before.

i can go back to school now, i am willing yes so very much willing, not because to have that diploma hanging on my wall. or to have that status that "i'm a college graduate" or something to that effect, to brag to others, no not all that. I want to go back to school to because i want to finish what i had started. i want to continue the race again, and at the least remove that one regret in my life.

ganito kasi yun

eto na naman ako, nangungumusta sa aking sarili, tagalog ulit tayo... di naman ako maka pagbisaya, kasi kakaunti na rin lang ang alam ko doon sa dating kinagisnan kong salita. kung tutuusin wala akong matatawag na native na wika ko. di ko naman masasabi na bihasa ako sa lahat ng wikang ginagamit ko. di bale kung san ako pwedeng maglabas ng gusto ko ilabas yun na lang gagamitin ko. kumbaga etong pahinang eto ng web ang syang magiging paminsang minsang diary ko. para kahit pano mabawas bawasan naman ang bigat na dinadala ko.

so to start...

ganito na lang ba? lahat ng tao alam ko may problema, may kanya kanyang sakit sa dibdib na dinadala, may kanya kanyang nararamdaman na hindi maganda. pero bat sakin di ata mawala-wala ang problema... at kung ulanin ng kamalasan, patong patong pa... ano ba meron ako? sabi nila magpasalamat daw ang taong may problema kasi ibig sabihin pinagkakatiwalaan sila ng Diyos, the more na may problema ka, the more na God trusts you. Trusts you enough that you can handle it and find the solution for it. Pero namaaaaannn... minsan gusto ko sabihin ke Lord, Lord pwede pahingan naman?

Hanggang san ba ang kayang dalhin ng isang tao? Ako hanggang san ang kaya ko?

Ang simpleng mga pangarap ngayon halos di mo na matanaw... minsan nasasabi ko, kunyari na lang maging masaya ako, kasi kung lagi na lang magiging bugnutin, wala rin naman mangyayari.

Kahit magsisigaw ako sa galit, kahit magwala ng todo-todo, kahit maglayas, wala rin namang mapupuntahan ang lahat. Maging masaya na lang, kahit kunwari lang, may mas mabuti pang epekto ito sa sarili ko.

Kaya may mga taong nagpapakamatay... may mga nababaliw... siguro sila di na nila kaya... siguro sila nagpatalo sila sa kakaisip. kahit di naman pwedeng di isipin, kasi laging laman ng isip ang dinadala.

Bat ba ako ang hirap mag-open, kahit na dito, alam ko naman sarili ko lang kausap ko dito di ko pa masabi sabi kung ano ba talaga ang problema ko at kung ano ba ang hirap na dinadala ko. ewan ko ba... ako ata ang taong masyadong private... pero paminsan minsan naman may mga tao din ako pinagkakatiwalaan na sinasabihan ko... o baka naman nadulas lang ako... makwento din kasi akong tao, di nauubusan ng kwento, lalo na pag ang kwento sinusulat. pero wag ka, pag kausap ako, lalo ng mga taong di gaanong malapit sakin, tahimik lang ako, kala mo hindi madaldal...

may mga nakakaintindi kaya sakin? meron bang talagang nakakakilala sakin?

pag gusto ko ng peace, war ang nabibigay... pag gusto ko ng ice cream, cake ang binibili, pag gusto ko tahimik na buhay, ginugulo naman... pag gusto ko ng maginahawang buhay, kahirapan naman... gustuhin ko kaya lahat ng kabaligtaran ng gusto ko, baka makuha ko na yung gusto kong totoo talaga...

ganto na lang ba talaga?

Sana minsan makatagpo ako ng yun bang talagang di ako mahihiya na ilabas lahat ng laman ng isip at damdamin ko (ang bigat noh?) di naman kelangan magkita ng personal, mas maganda nga yung nagcha chat na lang, lahat pwede ko pa sabihin...

pero maganda din yung meron talaga best friend na masasabi, yung closest sa puso kasi yun pwede mo kasama, may tatapik sa balikat ko (kasi tapik lang naman siguro kelangan ko), action speaks louder than voice. sana makakita ako ng kaparehas ko, para magkainrindihan kami ng mabuti at masabi namin kung ano ang dapat sabihin sa isat isa...

minsan kasi ang iba kahit well meaning na yung sinasabi sayo, di mo rin mafeel eh. isip lang ang na touch hindi ang puso o soul.

Siguro nga ang kelangan ko tunay na kebigan... kasi dito wala naman ako matatawag na tunay na kebigan yun bang best friend... marami ako kebigan at close friend, wala naman best friend. best friend na makakasama ko sa lakaran, sa lahat, laughters and tears... simula bata pa ako eto na talaga ang hanap ko, sobrang tagal na, matanda na ko, di ko pa sya nameet... o baka naman nameet ko na, di ko lang napansin. dati meron ako kinonsider best friend, ewan ko ba ano nangyari, naghiwalay kami ng landas, en so on en so port.

sana this year maiba naman ang buhay ko, ang buhay namin, yun bang magkaron naman saya, yung saya na sagad sa buto... yun bang masasabi kong eto talaga, sobrang saya...

Sana...

Dito na lang...

haaaayyy... buhay... dito na lang sa space na ito ako magmumukmok, magrereklamo, maglalabas ng mga kung anu-anong saloobin meron ako. Tutal naman kakaunti o walang nagbabasa dito, lalong walang magbabasa nitong sinulat ko kasi tagalog ito at ang mangilan ngilang napapasyal dito ay siguradong hindi maiintindihan ito, kasi english speaking sila. mas maganda na rin siguro itong magtagalog ako kahit balu-baluktot at wrong grammar para maiba naman.

Minsan nakakainis ang buhay masasabi mong HAY NAKO NAMANG BUHAY ITO OH!!! HAY NAKOOO... nakakasawa na paulit-ulit na lang yung problemang dinadala, kakasawa ng umintindi, kakasawa ng magpasensya, kakatamad ng minsan na mabuhay, kahit ayaw ko pang mamatay.

Bat kaya ganun, kung sino pa ang nagpupumilit na gumawa ng mabuti, na magsipag, na laging intindihin ang iba, sya pa yung laging nagiging kawawa. Meron nga dyan, mga tao na puro kasamaan lang ang ginagawa sila pa yung namumuhay ng masagana.

Dati simple lang ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay, isang masayang pamilya kahit wala ng maraming bagay, basta masaya... sa mga nakaraang panahon na pagsusuri ko, eto pa ba? ako rin ang sumagot ng hindi na.

Nakakapagod, nakakapagod ang laging nagt-trabaho, nakakapagod ang laging nagmamahal, pero ginagawa ka namang walang kwenta minsan. nakakapagod diba? Aalagaan mo, pagsisilbihan mo, lahat ibibigay mo, kapalit nun panggagago... nakakapagod. Simpleng tao lang naman ako. Kung ano ako sayo, simple lang din ang gusto ko, dapat ganun din ikaw sa akin, kahit sino ka man (parang kanta at pelikula), kaibigan ka man, asawa, kapatid, anak. Nakakapanlumong isipin na ang kabutihang ginagawa mo sa ibang tao, minsan kapalit nito kabaliktaran... NAMAN OH...

Hindi naman ako nagkulang sa dasal... araw-araw, gabi-gabi nagdadasal ako... naririnig pa kaya ako ng Diyos? San pa kaya ako nagkulang? ang mga panalangin ko nananatiling pinapanalangin pa rin hanggang ngayon... bat di pa kaya ako magaling? bat lalo pa kaya dumadami sakit ko? bat di pa kaya gumiginhawa ang buhay ko? bat kaya parang walang nagmamahal sakin? nakakalungkot... minsan naisip ko, wag na lang kaya...

Sana ang buhay ng tao parang soap opera, kapag nanonood ka nito mapapansin mo, ang mga tao mabilis yumaman, mabilis makaganti sa may gawa ng kasalanan, mabilis nagkakaayos ang pami-pamilya... ilang buwan lang natatapos agad ang palabas at happy ending na, sa bida. Sana ang buhay ko parang bida sa soap opera.

Di kaya isa lang akong ampon? baka ang mga magulang ko talaga ay isang mayamang angkan, at ako kinidnap lang ng nag-aalaga sakin at binigay sa kinalakhang mga magulang ko ngayon... sana... o baka naman kaya mayron akong great uncle o great auntie na ako ang nag-iisang tagapagmana... nakakasawa na ang maging mahirap eh.

nakakapagod... nakakainis... nakakakulo ng dugo...

some new (and old) pics

some news

havent been on this site for such a long time... well if anybody is interested just want you all to know, that i just had an internet connection installed in my house. so now i can be online for longer period of time. and maybe i can blog here more often

The day I gave birth to my last…

It was a sunny day, it was supposed to be my admission day, and I was supposed to have my CS two days after that day, but I think he was so excited to see the world and his mommy, that he decided to come out two days earlier than scheduled.


Before going to the hospital, a week before I had already taught my 11 year old (who had just celebrated her birthday) how to do the laundry, cook rice, and instructed her on how to take care of her 5 year old brother. I had also instructed my husband on what to do with the kids and the house while I am gone. Everything was all set for the coming of the baby.


And so, on the 21st of May, we went to the hospital for my admission. When the doctor had an IE on me, she told me that I have to go to the emergency room, at the ER another doctor had an IE, and said, I have to be ready for the CS… she also asked me how many kids I have already and when I said this is the 3rd child, suggested that I had tubal ligation too, but I declined because we wanted another child even though I fear going on another surgery, I still don’t want to be final about not having another child.


So at the operating room, I was given sedative, anesthesia and everything that goes with surgery. I had told the doctor that I am deaf, but can lip read, and also the anesthesiologist, and everyone else that talked to me there. They were all kind enough to talk slowly so I can lip read them better, especially the anesthesiologist. The doctor who would do the CS on me, upon learning that I have hypothyroidism told me that I had to have tubal ligation to avoid having a mentally retarded child, and also having heart problem. When I told her that I haven’t discussed it yet with my husband, and I don’t want it yet, she was somewhat annoyed, and told me that if ever I get pregnant again, they will not accept me at this hospital. So I asked her why, she explained and at the end asked me where my husband is, I told her outside, she said… “I’ll go talk to your husband” and after a while she came back and said, she will do it, ligate me, shown me my husband’s signature for that procedure… although I said ok I was really sad.


Then the operation started, I don’t know why but I haven’t fallen asleep while I was being cut… I saw everything at the reflection on the overhead lights (or lamps?) first they made a small cut just above the pelvis, the blood was oozing and she kept on wiping it, slowly… then another cut, then I passed out. When I woke up again they were not yet finished, I saw that baby’s head were out and that she was turning it slowly and wiping the head.


And at that time I was having difficulty in breathing and my chest was painful… so I voiced out, what I was feeling and the anesthesiologist (I know it was him) repeated to me what I said… he took off the tube in my nose and changed it with something like a mask, and another woman on my left was taking my blood pressure every minute. My hands (which were tied to the something like board that extended from the bed) were shaking… really shaking hard, they were actually rattling on the board, I told my mind to tell my hands to stop from shaking but I cannot control it, they keep on shaking and shaking so hard that I was getting afraid, my teeth too started chattering. And I kept on telling them about my chest pain and my difficulty in breathing… they changed tubes and mask for 3 times.


When they had taken the baby off, the anesthesiologist tapped me and told me “the baby’s out already” although I wasn’t looking at him I heard him say it. This I can say, that even though a person is physically deaf, his/her soul can hear.


The pain in my chest was gone and I can breath ok at this time, but after a while it started again, I wasn’t looking at the reflection of what they were doing anymore, but I figured the doctor was doing the ligation at this time, hands shaking, painful chest, difficulty in breathing, I passed out.


After hours of sleeping when I woke up and was alright to go to my room, they took me out of the recovery room and there I saw him, my little angel, my last one… in his father’s arms… so fair skinned, chubby, chinky eyed and sooo cute.


I cried… not because I saw my child, but because I remembered he’s my last.